I’m awake but I object,
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18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic