Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.