Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
You Might Also Like
Me: I鈥檓 going to shower
6: you鈥檙e beautiful! You don鈥檛 need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she鈥檚 not beating me.
It鈥檚 embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I鈥檓 afraid of the dark
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
If I had been a Spice Girl I would鈥檝e been Garlic Spice.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I鈥檓 not doing it, I鈥檓 busy.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
馃崬馃
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Ranch ice cream is why we can鈥檛 have nice things
It鈥檚 ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine鈥檚 Day. I didn鈥檛 have a groundhog on Groundhog鈥檚 Day
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it鈥檚 a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”