” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
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This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
No, I don’t think I will.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat