My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
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Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
*sewing*
A thread
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him