A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
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Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.