DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
You Might Also Like
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
i will avenge u mr van gogh
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?