*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
You Might Also Like
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
huge valentines day plans this year!!
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast