Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
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New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Breaking news:
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Yup.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest