i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
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Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
A small tragedy.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends