Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
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Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!