if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
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Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.