Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
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Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Me too, bag. Me too….
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
my fav colour is also hitler
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.