The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
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Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Mornin
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Midwest trash talk
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick