Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
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noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
A short story about romance.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.