Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
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Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Aight bet
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.