I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
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sensitive skin
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Flock of bats
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
*cough*
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
A Short Story.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.