The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
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Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?