Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
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My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.