“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
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Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Weighing up my bread heating options
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol