a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
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[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter