Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
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Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend