Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
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Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.