і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
You Might Also Like
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
You look like you would fail a DNA test
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.