I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
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My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
I get distracted pretty eas
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Isn’t
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
(True)
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
How it started How it’s going
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house