[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
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First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.