3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
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I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
groan^2
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus