[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
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For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
I need a headline like this
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Breaking news:
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?