It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
You Might Also Like
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home