We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
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bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!