I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
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My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Okay, I’m still confused…
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.