A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
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When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!