COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
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“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”