I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
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When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
A ghost story
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.