I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
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scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation