🔦🌙👣
You Might Also Like
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
this is the best interaction on twitter
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
This is I, Robot all over again
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
There’s no “us” in nachos.