Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
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Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Yes my dude
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
What a website
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…