My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
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I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom