If looks could kill
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[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.