a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
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Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
This will never not be funny 😭
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.