But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
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the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
They got Raph!
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.