Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
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[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.