You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
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Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
“TGIM!” – My liver
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
My circle of trust is a meatball
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME