My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
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While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Ironic
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years