white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
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them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Who’s your best friend?
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good