My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
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Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
If you know, you know 😂🚔
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Feels
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Genius idea!!
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill