Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
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Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.