Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
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an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
my first dose meeting my second
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.