School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
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Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Why font matters.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.