When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
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Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”